Sick of being sick, pregnant, trapped.. Sick of just being.. caught in vicious cycle... out of control...

I should be feeling happy. Shouldn't all mothers-to-be feel this way...?

I should be glad. I've managed to buy 80% of all the baby stuff in preparation for the arrival of my baby...

I should be relaxed. So that my baby will be relaxed...

I should be stress-free. So as to reduce the likelihood of my baby suffering ADHD, anxiety, irritability or other 'disorders'...

I should be smiling. So my baby will be smiling and happy...

But why am I not?

I'm trapped in a vicious cycle. I'm experiencing deja vu. All that stress and frustration (possibly depression?) that I suffered this time last year is happening all over again...

I haven't been to work for 3 days now... I get sick so often lately... and every time it happens the day after I put in 11 hours at work. Not that I want to work that hard, not that I don't want to go back early, not that I asked for it. But it's part and parcel of the job. So what can I do?

I get headaches everyday. The hot weather makes it worse. I force myself out of bed every morning. I force myself to swallow breakfast before I go to work, just so I won't faint from hunger. I wake up so many times in the night that I've lost count. I find myself wide awake and not being able to go back to sleep. I come home drained and exhausted, and have to lie down to recover. The worse thing is, I never seem to be able to recover. The cycle just repeats itself, day after day, week after week.

I get sick. I go on MC. I lose out time. I lag behind the syllabus. I feel stressed. I get sick again. I go on MC again. I lose more time. I lag further behind. I feel more stressed. It's a major vicious cycle that I'm trapped in. There's no way of getting out.

"Take a break, take leave to rest," advised my GP.

Of course I wish to. But who's going to sustain the dual income? Can we cope with the single income? What with a baby on the way? There's 3 more months to go before Baby arrives... What am I to do?

Maybe I shouldn't have got pregnant. Maybe I should have quit right after my bond ended. Maybe.. maybe... maybe...

I can't think anymore. I don't want to...

I can't decide. I can't bear to...

I can't breathe. I wish I don't need to...

Baby exposed! Side profile only...

Mummy was so excited about going for the detailed scan this morning. We can't wait to see your face on Dr. Ong's highly acclaimed 3D machine.

Finally, with much anticipation, your 3D photo appeared on the screen! Soooo cute!

But you're still so shy, kept covering your face with not one but both your hands. Or are you just plain cheeky? Trying to play peekaboo with us?

Dr. Ong tried prodding you forcefully several times but you just won't budge. Your hands are still at your face. What a strong-willed girl you are, Baby... So in the end, we only managed to see your right profile only.

Still can't figure who you look more like, Daddy or Mummy... I think you have Mummy's signature button nose. Heehee...