I should be feeling happy. Shouldn't all mothers-to-be feel this way...?
I should be glad. I've managed to buy 80% of all the baby stuff in preparation for the arrival of my baby...
I should be relaxed. So that my baby will be relaxed...
I should be stress-free. So as to reduce the likelihood of my baby suffering ADHD, anxiety, irritability or other 'disorders'...
I should be smiling. So my baby will be smiling and happy...
But why am I not?
I'm trapped in a vicious cycle. I'm experiencing deja vu. All that stress and frustration (possibly depression?) that I suffered this time last year is happening all over again...
I haven't been to work for 3 days now... I get sick so often lately... and every time it happens the day after I put in 11 hours at work. Not that I want to work that hard, not that I don't want to go back early, not that I asked for it. But it's part and parcel of the job. So what can I do?
I get headaches everyday. The hot weather makes it worse. I force myself out of bed every morning. I force myself to swallow breakfast before I go to work, just so I won't faint from hunger. I wake up so many times in the night that I've lost count. I find myself wide awake and not being able to go back to sleep. I come home drained and exhausted, and have to lie down to recover. The worse thing is, I never seem to be able to recover. The cycle just repeats itself, day after day, week after week.
I get sick. I go on MC. I lose out time. I lag behind the syllabus. I feel stressed. I get sick again. I go on MC again. I lose more time. I lag further behind. I feel more stressed. It's a major vicious cycle that I'm trapped in. There's no way of getting out.
"Take a break, take leave to rest," advised my GP.
Of course I wish to. But who's going to sustain the dual income? Can we cope with the single income? What with a baby on the way? There's 3 more months to go before Baby arrives... What am I to do?
Maybe I shouldn't have got pregnant. Maybe I should have quit right after my bond ended. Maybe.. maybe... maybe...
I can't think anymore. I don't want to...
I can't decide. I can't bear to...
I can't breathe. I wish I don't need to...
2 comments:
I really wish you would e-mail me. I felt exactly how you are feeling when pregnant with my third. I had felt the same way a year before just as you talked about in your post.
Please don't feel like you are alone. However, I won't bug you, but I would like you to know that others have felt just like you.
If you choose to, my e-mail is cameradawktor@yahoo.com
Please carefully read my profile so you won't be discouraged by all the happy photos you see on my blog.
I wasn't always this happy.
Please take care and hang in there. Please don't be afraid to tell your Doctor monitoring your pregnancy how you feel.
hi mummy tricia, please take good care of yourself. 3 more months! you've been thru 6 months already. You must hang in there ok??
i guess it'll be much better if you can talk your heart out. don't cope it up inside. Do feel free to add me on MSN if you are on it at bell_51@hotmail.com and maybe from there I can give u my mobile. Though we may not personally know each other, but i believe, as a mum myself, I'll be able to relate to your woes.
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